Prepaid Braincells – The Ten Laws of Prepay
Really. Yes, Really. We love our customers. If we didn’t, there’s no way we could make it through day after day of dealing with them without going completely insane. That doesn’t mean that we don’t get a few people every day that test our loving resolve.
Take, for instance, the idiot that doesn’t know how to prepay for gasoline. Yes, I know that you’re not that idiot, so don’t get offended, but those other idiots can really try a convenience store clerks patience. Just for arguments sake though, let’s just say you are that idiot, and let’s just pretend I’m talking directly to you.
If you’re going to buy gasoline, you’re going to have to prepay. So, to help you out, I’ve put together these ten laws of prepay, just for you.
First, prepay means just that. You pay me for the fuel before I turn on the dispenser and let you fill your tank. Prepay takes many forms. It can mean you handing me cash. It can mean you handing me a check (if my store is one of the rare stores that take them). And it can mean you handing me a credit card or debit card to be charged a set amount or for me to hold while you pump. You can even hand me your driver’s license (yours, not your wife’s, not your husbands, yours). All of these things work. Don’t, however, try to make up some new way to do it, like calling me on your cell phone so I have your phone number. I don’t want your phone number, and I don’t have time to explain to you why your way doesn’t work.
Second, please, please, please, don’t try to tell me that this is the first time in your protected little life that you have ever come across a gas station that makes you prepay. Yeah, I know it’s relatively new in that podunk town in Arkansas that you grew up in, but if you’ve driven on even a county highway, you’ve run into a gas station where prepay is required. So don’t tell me that this is your first time.
Third, don’t be the guy who walks in and just alternates staring at me and looking back out through the window at your car parked by the pump. I’m not pyschic. Yes, I do know what you’re thinking, but I’m still not psychic. If you want something, say something. Otherwise, I’m just going to pretend you’re stupid and talk to you like you are four.
Fourth, don’t stick your nose halfway through the door and order me to turn the pump on for you. I’m not going to. Likewise, don’t push the ‘help’ button or the ’speak to attendant’ button on the pump and tell me the same thing. Just save us both the grief and don’t argue with me about it. Yes, I know you’re honest, just like I knew all those people who stole gas and forced the industry to require prepay were honest. (See Wisdom’s Law #4)And yes, I know you’re special, too, and deserve to be treated better than the other thousand people or so that I see every day. But I’m not your mommy, and I’m going to treat you just like everyone else, which means you are going to prepay.
Fifth, please, please, please, don’t be that sweet little old lady (or the nasty crack whore for that matter) that comes in and says, “My husband’s getting gas out there. I’ll stay here untill he’s done and pay.” No, no, no. I don’t want a hostage. I don’t want to be the guy that has to tackle a 74 year old lady when she decides not to stay in the store when her bladder tells her to head out to the outside bathroom! Just work with me here. Prepay. Prepay. Prepay.
Sixth, don’t show me the wad of cash in your pocket and say, “But I don’t know how much I’ll need?” I don’t know how much you’ll need either, so don’t ask me. It’s your car, remember? Make an educated guess. Please don’t be that person who makes me make you feel stupid when you say with a blank look, “I don’t know what to do.” I don’t want to make you feel stupid, but I will. I will, damn you. And don’t give me half of what you think you’ll need and say, “If it takes more, I’ll be back in to pay the rest.” No. No. No. If you want more, give me more money now. That’s why it’s called prepay. On the same note, don’t make make five trips inside and give me five bucks each time. It is a complete waste of both of our time. Just give me the twenty five bucks the first time. And don’t give me thirty bucks, then come back after you use it, and give me another ten when you’re gonna pump 18 more cents! You’re going to be embarrassed.
Seventh, after you throw a hundred dollar bill on the counter and say, “That’s for gas out in the white truck.” (because your white truck is surely the only one out there), and I say, “Thank you,” you really don’t have to stop, turn around, and tell me, “It probably won’t take it all.” I know already. It’s understood. And don’t ask me what happens if you don’t use it all. It’s common sense. But you’re still going to make me say it, aren’t you? OK, I’ll say it, here it goes, “It’s alright, I’ll get you change if you don’t use it all.” There, I said it. Happy now?
Eighth, don’t shove that hundred dollar bill in my face while I’m taking care of another customer. I know you’re more important than him, but I’m trying really hard to build up that other guy’s self esteem, so don’t interrupt. Just pretend your mommy taught you that one manner, okay. Along those same lines, don’t just toss your money onto the counter and walk away, either. I’ll just assume it’s a gift. People give me free money all the time and I’ll just confuse you with them.
Ninth, don’t tell me how you don’t like to leave your cash/check/credit card/debit card with a clerk because you’re afraid that we’re going to steal it. If I wanted to steal your cash, I wouldn’t do it while I’m wearing a name tag. If you’re that worried, ask for a receipt when you give me your cash. I don’t mind. In fact, I’m shocked that everyone doesn’t. And as for your credit card numbers, if I wanted to steal them, I don’t need for you to leave the card with me to do that. Credit card transactions are so insecure that it’s almost scary. I can take them out of the computer any time I want. Sorry, it’s just reality. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Tenth, take half of a second and look at the number of the pump you’re parked at, BEFORE you come in. Don’t hand me your hundred bucks or your credit card and stand there staring outside for thirty seconds. Don’t tell me, “that far one up here,” and Dear God, don’t guess your pump number. When you tell me the wrong pump, and someone else uses it, IT IS A COMPLETE PAIN IN THE ASS TO FIX. More than that, it can mean erroneous charges on your credit card. I really want to do it right, but I need you to help out just a little, OK?
So, there it is. Ten laws of prepay. What? Are you telling me again that you don’t like prepay? Too bad! I don’t care that you don’t like prepay. I don’t like it either, but it is a fact of life. I don’t care that you don’t have time to make two trips. I don’t care that you think it is inefficient. I don’t care if you feel untrusted. I don’t care that you are driving a ‘work truck’ or that you drive a Mercedes. I don’t care that you’re a doctor and I don’t care that your uncle’s bosses cousin knows the owner of the store. I don’t care. You still have to prepay.
Have a nice day 
